Broken (July 6, 2015)
It is wonderful to be back in Gdańsk (I still say Warsaw sometimes when I talk with people on the streets or writing this email before correcting myself). I feel blessed that I get to finish my mission in this beautiful place. It has been sunny and HOT this past week and Elder Larsen and I have been out in it. Heavenly Father reconfirmed His method of answering prayers through others:
On Friday we were walking along a park by the beachy shores of the Baltic. We were approaching a lot of people when this guy on a bike comes up to us. We start talking about the work. He doesn't associate with any church but founded a company to inspire smiles and positivity. He told us that he likes to take pictures of interesting people smiling and show them to struggling kids (mainly in hospitals). He encrouages wonderful values and service.
http://www.worldsmilearchive.com/ (scroll down to the pictures and we are right there!)
On Saturday we were waiting for a tram when a lady who used to meet with the sister missionaries came up to us and introduced herself as Enis. She took the tram with us and we were able to have a decent conversation. She has been searching and wondering about God for a while. There are so many questions, there is so much confusion - life is a struggle. We talked about a few things and as we had both exited the tram about to head opposite directions across the street she stops us. She reminds us that the Devil works on us when we are striving to accomplish good.
We were riding that tram to Józef and Irena's house - I love being back in Gdańsk. Józef embraces me and they have a grill for us in their garden with kiełbasa and kompot (a homemade fruit drink - super polish). It was a beautiful day with the sun, fruit trees, flowers, and good company. Józef is more observant than I realized. While we were talking he looks at me and says "you look tired." I agree making a joke about how nearly two years on a mission will do that. He pauses and says, "but it doesn't seem like a physical fatigue, more of a psychological one." He then compared me to a lemon that has been squeezed until there was no more juice.
Yesterday the Shaws had us over for the last time (they finish their mission this week - I am going to miss them!) and when they went to take John home (a member from Nigeria who lives in Gdynia) the district (Sisters Smith and Grgich, and my companionship) stayed. We got talking and it turned into a deeply needed conversation. The sisters talked about feeling broken, stripped of strengths, and having changed (visibly - others comment on it) and not for the better - in a haze that won't go away.
All of these experience are highlight themes of my week. I am relearning how to rely on Christ because I feel like, right now, there is nobody else to lean on. Despite the good elements and moments in my days I feel broken. Ever since my second transfer in Gdańsk - the first wave of depression - I have never been the same. I feel like I have changed but not for the better. Like Enis said, I have felt so much opposition - more than ever before and Józef could see how it has been weighing on me. Going through the trials I have as a missionary is an extremely interesting experience for me. The mission seems like the most inopportune time, mainly because time is so precious and I don't have much left. I feel like an investigator, feeling on the outside, awkward and unsure - wanting to feel and know what I read and hear about. There is a void, there is a lack of trust and direction. I am grateful that I can still have so many incredible experiences to learn from even when most things are blurry. I have been thinking about some of my favorite sciptures: Ether 12:27, 2Nephi 31:3, Alma 7:11-13, Mosiah 24:14-16, and Matthew 11:28-30. I'm taking this as a opportunity to forget about virtually all else and focus on my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Pozdrawiam,
Starszy Kimball
25 years in Poland (June 29, 2015)
This past weekend the Polish saints and missionaries gathered into Warsaw to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the Poland Warsaw Mission. It was wonderful to see so many missionaries, members, and friends from all over.
Saturday was a little stressful. There was tension in the air to get everything done and have the event go according to plan. I love people but large social gatherings stress me out. Sunday was a day of peace and renewal. This past transfer has been the hardest yet. I have never felt so empty, so lost, so drained of security and confidence not just in myself but in others. I have started to learn the lessons and feel the blessings. The Sunday conference filled me with the Spirit and catalyzed a restoration of self. My faith in Christ, my gratitude for my mission, and my love for those I have spent the past two years with were all restored.
I have learned the value of meekness and being submissive. Temptations and struggles of the mission are different from "normal life". As a missionary we are protected well from breaking the big commandments. However, keeping the more subtle commandments related to character and integrity has been an on-going battle. The situations I have been in have stretched me more than ever, less physically but more mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We are able to focus more on the higher law of love and work to apply it.
As I have mentioned before my strengths and weaknesses have swapped around, my testimony and characteristics seem to drain from me and I have been empty and weak. I have learned a lot about how to treat those that are weak, struggling, making wrong choices because I have been there. My mission is one surprise after another with curve balls and blindsides from every direction.
The gospel, the Spirit, our Savior Jesus Christ don't remove the struggles or prevent the heartache of the world. These challenges are part of the plan. What changes is often not our circumstance but us. The Spirit enriches our heart's ability to feel passion and goodness. My mindset and view has changed more than anything from the experiences I have gone through.
I am currently writing from our cozy little library in Gdańsk listening to music playing through the summer air. I am with Elder Larsen (in his fifth transfer) and Sisters Grgich and Smith. This is a strong group with a lot of promise!
Love,
Starszy Kimball
Trusting God (June 22, 2015)
My trainer Elder Godwin introduced me to the mission field and taught me a lot, preparing me for what would lie ahead. One lesson that he learned from a young men's leader has stuck with me and has been on my mind for the second half of this transfer. We were talking about the idea of sin. Elder Godwin said that we all know that "sin" is bad, the only time we choose it is when we don't trust that Heavenly Father's way (aka keeping the commandments) will make us happier. A pretty straightforward idea but it has hit home with me recently more than ever. My mission has tested my trust in God time and time again. My loyalty has faltered, my memory short, and my heart and mind confused. When Heavenly Father's path is stretching to the point of tearing and pain it is hard to trust Him. I have learned that there are an infinite array of things that can go wrong. I have struggled, been in new situations, reacting in different ways. I have had weakness become strength, I have had strength become weakness. We are all imperfect and our imperfections clash. As I said, there seems to be an endless array of negatives. I have worked to trust Heavenly Father, to regain my faith and strengthen it. What I have been reminded of is one of the most beautiful doctrines. Sister Poklinkowska once in a zone conference shared her testimony how grateful she is that thanks to God's omniscience our plans are intricately webbed together but luckily for us it is so simple. That is true! All we need is the Spirit, the Holy Ghost, one simple light to overcome the encroaching darkness. Sister Bown taught me to love my mission and to center it on Christ. My first district has had a profound impact on me and their examples and words have been more relevant this past week than ever before. The clarity, peace, and gifts of the Spirit (namely: love, patience, understanding, meekness) all come when we are close to the Holy Ghost and we are reminded of God's perfect character and desire that we will reach our potential. Jesus Christ is a source of hope and peace, if our spiritual or religious life isn't fulfilling those needs then we need to make some changes to truly come closer to our Creator who wants only the best.
Elder Hubbard and I went to Szczecin this past week, I have now been to all of the cities where missionaries serve in the mission The district up there is on fire, I am grateful we were able to spend some time with them. I was able to spend a whole day with Elder Platter - he really is one of my best friends, we had so much fun. This is my last week in Warsaw - a lot to report on next week!
Happiness is success (June 15, 2015)
I spent most of this previous week with Elder Weggersen (Elder Hubbard was traveling in the south - I will be spending this week with him) and we accomplished a lot, especially while working with other missionaries. Last Tuesday we attended Warsaw II's district meeting (the other group of missionaries in Warsaw). I felt at home there, partly because most of the missionaries have had a draining transfer but there was a good atmosphere. Elder Taylor led a district meeting that helped spark this real change in me to get back on my feet, to turn outward. He addressed the dark times and then replied with an empowering, humble, sincere, loving, spiritual discussion. These are the experiences that change me. The time there answered my prayers, I felt Christ restoring my faith. He wrote on the board: Success is happiness Happiness is success. I agree.
Later that day we went to a little town, Pruszków, and did some finding with Elders Taylor and Solmes. On Thursday I spent the day with Elder Wilcox, then on Friday we had a whiteboard with Elders Larsen and Lanterman. I learned a lot from working with these different Elders.
I had a week of building back up. On Thursday we squeezed our lunch and dinner hours together to go and visit the Jewish museum here in Warsaw. Kaja, an investigator from Warsaw II is a guide so took us around, I loved it. The culture, the history of Jews in Poland is fascinating then culminating in the tragic events of the Holocaust. We spent some time learning about the Jewish ghettos around Poland, zoning in on the largest one that was in the middle of Warsaw. Unlike most the Jewish ghettos, in Warsaw it was in the middle of the city, last year I went to a fair and saw the memorials on the ground showing where the wall used to be. Something I didn't realize until going to the museum is that we are currently living in the area it used to be. Seeing the street names where they would gather thousands of Jews a day to train off hit me when in a new way when I saw the street names that we walk everyday. I forget that the massacres I learn about in text books or museums happened where I live and spend my time. Poland has come so far.
My spirits were further lifted by miracles. Elder Wilcox and I met Anna in a park by where we live. We started talking and she invited us to sit on the bench next to her. Anna was maybe in her late fifties, kind, Catholic. We taught about Joseph Smith, the restoration; she thought it was possible but wasn't looking to change faiths. Thanks to our message we were able to discuss prayer, something close to Anna's heart. I told Anna that we as missionaries pray to be the answers to the prayers of others so inquired to see if we could help. She mentioned that her mother, Irena, had recently passed away and asked if we could pray for her. I then shared how I had recently been going through a hard time but after telling some friends and family I had started to feel their prayers. As I said that listened and from her asked earnestly about the comfort I felt from the prayers, how I actually could feel their impact. Little moments of vulnerability, of love and care outline my mission experience.
There is a musical performance planned for each Sunday this month since June is the month of invitation. A group of missionaries prepared the EFY medley in Polish. As they were singing I looked over at Sister Czesak who was singing along with tears in her eyes. I have fasted and prayed for her family, I have pondered and tried all I can. Although, the progress seems slow and I question why I am being blessed with love and a drive to serve them if they aren't ready to accept it yet. It can make me feel like I didn't do enough or worry about their future. Well in that moment, during sacrament, I was filled with the Spirit and I felt Heavenly Father's love for the Czesak family. I knew He was not only mindful of them but with them. Seeing Ula's goodness I know Heavenly is eternally pleased with and grateful for her. Feeling God's love for the families of Warsaw I experienced some tears of my own.
My heart is being softened once again. In times of trial and confusion I start to shut it off. The lyrics to a song about the Savior have been playing through my mind, "being slow to anger". The scriptures teach us the value of being meek, humble, and included slow to anger. I love being passionate and driven but my mission has taught me the ever valubale worth of being "meek and lowly in heart". Thinking our way out of forgiveness or being kind, using logic or justification to be impatient or judgmental - none of this brings happiness. Humility is spiritual gift I seek and am working to have more of. I know that the Savior understands us, that is why He can, and does, so perfectly comfort and lift us.
Love,
Starszy Kimball
Nigdy nie beziesz sam (June, 8, 2015)
There is a lot more light in my life! While thinking about what I want to accomplish during my last few months of my mission I have looked back to my patriarchal blessing and (in line with how my mission usually goes) my eyes were opened to see how something that I stress out about fulfilling has already been in play and I have been enjoying the blessings of it. This week taught me about the gift of the Holy Ghost.
Throughout my mission I have felt the Spirit to different degress as He plays different roles: comforter, testifier of truth, a warning voice. As baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we have the promise of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as long as we keep our promises to remember Christ, take His name upon us, and follow His commandments. Although, I have noticed events where the Spirit has filled my heart I have been painfully unaware of His constant presence in my mission. It took losing His companionship for me to notice the gift I have had for so long. It reminded me to be less worried and more grateful! The events of the past week helped me figure some things out:
Elders Hubbard, Weggersen, and I are still doing our traveling training. This past week we had the opportunity to visit a district of missionaries struggling with depression. We tailored our meeting to be more geared towards them and the comments made that the district made touched my aching soul.
I was able to go to Lublin and have an exchange with both Elders Sidwell and Weiler as well as Elders Park and Schwanke. I was lifted while I was there. My first night we were doing a group finding acitivity when we found a huge Catholic celebration for a religious holiday here: Boże ciało (the Body of God). There was a huge Polish gospel choir concert with tons of priests, nuns, monks, families, youth! It was all praising our father in Heaven - I loved it! I even bought their CD. (there was one song where the Spirit touched me called "nigdy nie będziesz sam" - "you will never be alone") I was able to meet Paweł, an investigator preparing for his baptism this upcoming Saturday, visit some less active members in Zamość (a town a ways outside of Lublin - their closest meeting house), and have some time to meet some wonderful people street teaching. Elder Sidwell and I are tight but I didn't know most of the Elders and it was a great time to learn from them and work by their side.
While back in Warsaw we attended a baptism where a few hiccups popped up but I felt the Spirit and I knew our imperfections don't prevent God from letting us feel the Spirit when we are humble and open. After that we had a whiteboard activity in the old town of Warsaw and I had some of the best conversations and experience that I have had in a while.
Nearing the end of my mission I do think about home every so often but I haven't struggled too much with being trunkie (losing steam and just wanting to finish my mission and go home). Despite all the noise and depression and whatever I am not ready to end, I am excited about the time that I have left. What I am struggling with is understanding God's will and plan, understanding relationships with others and how to go about doing things. It is a challenge to have vision and drive but have things change all the time, it makes shooting for excellence less appealing when I know road blocks and trials will come but I am working on being more trusting of God to remember that His way and His will is better than mine.
I have found a simple equation that helps me get out of my low points:
gratitude + repentance + service = feeling the Spirit
Remembering to be grateful for what I have and see the blessings that I often miss, repenting for my sins even when others are pointing them out and I want to be deffensive, serving others even when I feel like my impact doesn't make a difference and I feel like I am lacking guidance or strength for who or how to serve. God lets us fall, he lets us struggle, he lets us get mad and a little defeated because there are lessons to be learned. Words from other missionaries, scriptures, and family and friends from home have taught me a lot of these lessons this past week.
I would like to finish by sharing a miracle:
Yesterday in fast and testimony meeting two sisters from the branch bore their testimony about the power of prayer. Sister Pogorzelska shared her conviction that God hears and answers prayers, Sister Jarosz added the power of prayers that have been said on her and her family's behalf recently.
Jumping over to later in the church block I was talking with a member who is dear in my heart. I have received a lot of love and direction to reach out to her family since being back in Warsaw. I have prayed, fasted, and pled for them. Yesterday as we spoke I had to accept that at this point I have done all that I can, Heavenly Father does have a plan but right now there isn't much for me to do. With the current state of my mind and how my thought process has been working it should have sent me off into another questioning mental rant of confusion and hurt. I was in a situation to feel unjustice and have plenty to justify my feelings. However, despite the being a little heartbroken I felt a lot of peace and there was a hope and knowledge that everything would be okay. I remembered back to the MTC when I seemed to have an unconquerable Spirit - no matter the stress or worries I just at peace with a sure hope that the future would be bright because it is in the Lord's hands. I had noticed, for the first time, how specifically the prayers that others were offering on my behalf were being answered.
This morning as we were driving to the mission office to email I received a text from Elder Sidwell hoping that I was doing better (we had talked about my struggles while I was there) and informing me that he had fasted for me yesterday. I then come to email to receive an outpouring of love from my family with words of understanding and encouragement. Family and mission friends had put my name on the temple prayer role and many have been praying for me. I am grateful for the principle from one of my favorite quotes that my mom reminded me of, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs." President Spencer W. Kimball
Here is to another wonderful week! Remember that we never are nor ever will be alone,
Starszy Kimball
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