Struggling with self

My parents have been asking about the responsibilities with being an assistant. For the most part we spend our time doing standard missionary work. We have occasional meetings with President Edgren to discuss changes to make and future trainings/ conferences. We go on exchanges with zone leaders and talk to them each night to make sure everybody got home safe and have a general check up of how everybody is doing. We record numbers and fill out weekly and monthly reports. Our main objective is to be examples and inspire others. There are some pros and cons, for example we get to visit different cities and districts often, so we get to know all of the missionaries, but it also means that we don't have our own district. I am enjoying it and learning a lot about leadership - I am excited to share with others what I have learned but also confronting some inner rebellious issues I have with leadership. 

For a lot of my mission I feel like I am struggling with myself in my mind. I'm constantly trying to find balance whilst thinking and going over ideas in my head. I strive to be humble in accepting new ideas but want to stay grounded in truth. Elder Retallick had a talk from Elder Perry, one that he gave at BYU in 1990. There was a fragment that spoke to me:

"Everyone can find within himself or herself inward attitudes of mind and outward habits of behavior that are contrary to their own ideals. Struggle with oneself could also be called self-discipline. Through struggle we become stronger. By ceasing to struggle, we grow weaker. So long as we are dissatisfied and do not know what we really want, we shall probably do plenty of foolish things. Self-knowledge and struggle with oneself go hand in hand."

I received peace to know that I being uncertain about things, even about ourselves is not only okay but good. 

This week was full of highlights.

I met Łukasz on a whiteboard my first week back in Warsaw. We met with him and had a wonderful meeting. He is excited to read and meet more, when we mentioned that we would be talking about God's plan next time he said "I can't wait!" He is sincere and knows a lot about different religions, piecing together truth as he finds it to create a set of beliefs. 

I met with Dawid last summer when I was with Elder Blom. We have had little, shallow contact since then but we were able to meet this past week. His life is frankly really tough right now. We talked about feeling God's love and he was grateful to "have his eyes opened to truth that he once knew but had forgotten." I have been praying to be an answer to somebody's prayers and I felt that. At the end of the lesson Dawid said that he knew he had been difficult to keep in contact with but thanked me for not forgetting about him. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my mission. He too is excited to meet again this week.

Here is Warsaw there was a mini-MTC for the young adults of the church. Dawid and Patryk came down from Gdańsk. Cindy Call from Wrocław was also there. It was a fun reunion and powerful to see the future of the church in Poland gather together. I love the people I have had the privilege of building relationships. 

Yesterday in church President Pogorzelski asked the new missionaries to bear their testimonies, it was encouraging to see so many familiar smiling faces - it's nice to be remembered and be back in Warsaw. 

Life is simply going well right now, I feel stronger and more confident with things. Still struggling with myself but feeling less stressed about it.

Pozdrawiam,

Starszy Kimball

p.s. Here is a longer quotation from Elder Perry's talk at BYU 1990

Everyone can find within himself or herself inward attitudes of mind and outward habits of behavior that are contrary to their own ideals. Struggle with oneself could also be called self-discipline. Through struggle we become stronger. By ceasing to struggle, we grow weaker. So long as we are dissatisfied and do not know what we really want, we shall probably do plenty of foolish things. Self-knowledge and struggle with oneself go hand in hand.

Organize your struggles. Choose with what you will struggle. Persistence will do what cannot be achieved by force—persistence is the twin sister of excellence. Do not be afraid of struggle. Remember that what is a present struggle is a key to future happiness. Never stop to regret failures or to excuse them. Paul encouraged us to forget our failures and move on when he told the Philippians, “This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before” (Philippians 3: 13).

President Spencer W. Kimball has said that life gives to all a choice.

We can satisfy ourselves with mediocrity. We can be common, ordinary, dull, colorless, or we can so channel our lives to be clean, vibrant, progressive, colorful, and rich. [TSWK, p. 161]

My prayer for all of us here tonight is that with this life of choices we may realize who we are and the potential we have, that we may start today disciplining ourselves to reach for higher goals, to study, to learn, to grow, to determine the course we want to follow as we go through the opportunities of this great mortal experience. We must catch the vision of who we really are, for “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18). The Lord will truly bless us mightily with his spirit if we only do our part and utilize the talents and opportunities he has given us, setting our direction on a course that will lead us back to his presence.