Raz na wozie, raz pad wozem

As missionaries we are always tired but this past week was a tough one, I was falling asleep all over the place! Part of the reason was because it was so full and we were busy so it is a positive thing overall.

We had zone conference this week, we held one in Warsaw with 46 missionaries and then another in Kraków with 24 missionaries. For zone conference missionaries from the whole country gather to meet and have training. Elder Retallick and I presented an hour and a half segment about obedience, we had lunch, a musical presentation, then President Edgren led a training, and the whole meeting ends with a testimony meeting to give those who would like the chance to share their beliefs and experiences. It went so so well! Obedience is an interesting topic, a tricky one as well. I was determined to follow through with it after I pitched the idea because of it's nature. I have learned a lot about obedience during my mission and that learning often came through disobedience or at least not understanding the obedience at first. One of the greatest gifts we have is the ability to choose for ourselves. When others impose rules there is a natural tendency to rebel because we do not want to be forced into anything. My hope with the training was to revolutionize the idea of obedience. We started by establishing the commandment to become perfect, then went to Adam and Eve's story to learn a little more. From the beginning of mankind we see that mistakes and even disobedience/sinning is a part of God's plan. The pattern of repentance and learning from our past was initiated. God never condones sin but it is no surprise to Him when we do fall short, it is allowed to be a part of our lives here on Earth because if we never sinned we could never learn the difference between being obedient and disobedient. I was able to share a lot of personal insights I had with the idea of obedience: how it should be chosen willingly, how we shouldn't let the fear of failing keeping us from moving forward, we cannot label ourselves/define ourselves by our sins and weaknesses etc. Christ is patient and loving, He sees us according to our strengths and what we can become. Life isn't about never falling, but about getting back up. Similarly, obedience is not about never sinning but about repentance to be made clean. I have felt the redemptive power of the Savior in my life and I know this. His love is comforting and merciful. I think we all are aware of the imperfections we need to overcome and when we understand that Heavenly Father is not waiting to reprimand us, but to get us back on our feet then we can be honest with ourselves. We won't justify our short comings but we will have hope to overcome them in humility. There was more that we talked about but that was the main idea - I felt good about it and I hope it helped others feel more comfortable about obedience. So often we are artificial about our obedience or we just all together rebel, neither work. 

My favorite part of the conference was the testimony meeting. It is because there is so much love in the air when we open ourselves up. We get to see into people and learn from them; having our own conviction of the truth of God's love strengthened. We have the best missionaries here in Poland! 

On Wednesday after the first zone conference in Warsaw Elder Retallick and I caught a train to Kraków. It was one of the new express trains with airplane style seating. I was placed next to Ewa, she and her family are currently living in the tri-city area coast (Gdynia-Sopot-Gdańsk)! I have been lucky to meet a ton of people from Gdańsk recently. We had a great conversation about so much. Ewa is married with a 6 year old son and was on a business trip. She was young, kind, believing but not practicing. We were able to discuss quite a bit, I noticed that I used ideas that I had thought about while preparing for zone conference but ended up cutting out (interesting how Heavenly Father can prepare us). We are quick to doubt ourselves and our effectiveness but looking back it was one of the greatest teaching moments of my mission. Elder Retallick, later on told me, that the girl who sat next to him (after overhearing our conversation one row behind) said "kolega głosi ostro" which means "your companion is preaching boldly" (ostry can mean a ton of things but basically in this context it meant bold). I was glad to hear it because I so often will lose my bold fire in certain settings. I wasn't overbearing but spilled my heart out apologetically. At the end I gave her a copy of the Book of Mormon and she asked me to sign it with a little note. She promised me that she would pray to feel God's love and for understanding of why there is opposition in life (sickness, war etc). It was a miracle. 

Church yesterday was one of the my favorites... ever! Hearing the testimonies and strength of our members is the most hope filling light there is, one member shared in her testimony how much it meant that Elder Retallick and I visited her family (who are less-active). The lessons at church were just good, we were all combined so there was strength in numbers, we talked to the members about missionary work and how to overcome obstacles in having members reach out to friends and family. It was all just so so good! 

On the streets Elder Retallick and I met Adam one night and then last night on a whiteboard I talked with Kasia and Paulina. Some of the most prepared, open, wise, young people I have met in my time here. We will hopefully meet with them sometime this week.

We were able to visit with a less-active member. He and his family have some doubts. We talked about the Spirit and feeling God's love. He shared a miracle story from his family's personal history - having the car break down in the snow as they were driving out into the country for the holidays then having their prayer answered by a farming truck driver who just felt like he needed to go for a ride as he was being led to their location. He said that he had "dziwne uczucia" as he shared the stories and I had those same "weird feeling" - the warming feelings from the Spirit. I'm hoping that they will be able to recognize those feelings more in their lives guiding them to follow what Heavenly Father wants for them.

Due to being taken over by countless countries, having endured world wars and communist regime the Polish people are to be a bit rebellious. They are stereotyped to be stubborn and not interested in others telling them what to do. Usually, I try to avoid generalizations but I think from its history there is some truth to this. I am grateful for these characteristics, not because being stubborn or prideful are desired traits but because I struggle with them. Like with obedience I have learned a lot about overcoming barriers of rebellious instincts. I am know how it feels to have immediate aversion to something as soon as somebody else tells me to do it. This past week I realized that this weakness can be made a strength because I can share what I have learned with those I meet with. I can help people see that the annoying pressure from those around us to be baptized should not keep us from choosing to do what is right and claim the blessings of baptism. I can share how the commandment to go to church is not a mandate but a way God has prepared to give us feelings of love, peace, and direction. I love Polish people and unlike many I have all the hope in the world for this magnificent country. 

With all of the miracles I am now sharing I am reconsidering the validity of the title "raz na wozie, raz pod wozem" - it literally means "a time on of the cart, a time under the cart" what it means is "there are good times and there are bad times". This week was full of gems but there are struggles - there is still self-doubt, there is still jealousy when good things happen to others, there is still a lack of understanding of it all, and sometimes there is just a dark feeling. I am trying to work through all of these things but I am so grateful for the experiences and joys of a mission.

Remember to think of some questions, some areas to work on, some areas where you lack understanding as you prepare for general conference this week :) 

Also have a happy Easter weekend! Here is the church's new video for this holiday season:

http://www.mormon.org/easter

Wesołych świąt!

będąc przepełniony wiarą, nadzieją i miłością,

Starszy Kimball

Gratitude and Miracles!

This week was full to the brim! 

Last P-day we accomplished one of the biggest priorities on my bucket list and learned how to make pierogi (pierogi is already plural: one pieróg, mulitple pierogi - so you can avoid the whole pireogis mistake) with Barbara, a member from the branch here in Warsaw. She was baptized toward the end of my stay and is full of fun and love! 

As assistants we are able to visit different district meetings so met with Warsaw II (the other branch in Warsaw) and it went so well. The Spirit was strongly felt and there was love. Sister Johnston shared a segment about humility and gratitude, I had started to fall back into the self-doubting, what-have-I-accomplished, who-have-I-helped trap. It was exactly what I needed to hear, to stop worrying about what I don't have or what others do have and be grateful for what I personally do have, which is so much. 

We had district conference yesterday (like stake conference but we have districts in Poland - basically a gathering of church members from our region of of the country) and it was so so good. The weather has been beautiful this past week making everyday light and happy. There was a special spirit and strength at the meeting. Dominika was there, she just got back from he mission in Chicago. She is from Łódź (a city a couple hours from Warsaw) and was in the MTC with Elder Retallick and I. It was fun to see her after all of this time and be able to speak with her this time. She was able to bear her testimony and also talked about gratitude. I had already started to forget Tuesday's district meeting and was thankful for the reminder. Being grateful is so important, it changes our attitudes and points of view. 

People and Miracles:

Anja: on March 15 2014 I met Anja with Elder Wilson at Park Żeromskiego and had a wonderful lesson. I remember thinking to myself she is somebody I would be life long friends with. She saw us once later as she drove by and waved but nothing much. Then March 13 2015 (nearly a year to the day) Elder Fogg stops a young lady while we are on a whiteboard in old town. I look over to somebody that seems familiar to find her beckoning. It is Anja! Life has gotten harder this past year and she seemed in a more solemn mood. She was in a hurry and promised that if she saw us a third time she would give what we have to say a real shot. I've been on the look out ever since. 

Long braid girl: also during my time in Żoliborz, I bumped into a high school girl with a long, dark brown braid. It was multiple times (maybe 5) all in different areas and even with different companions (Elder Wilson, Elder Platter...) I remember her being an extremely kind and faithful Catholic, always smiling and wishing us well. As we did a white board by the university we bumped into each other once again! She is older, now at college and as nice as ever. Again, she was in a hurry and we didn't have too long to talk but she distinctively remembered me and at the end said "we will surely see each other again soon" - I hope we do because coincidences don't exist.

Asad: I'm not sure if you remember the two men from Afghanistan we met with when I was in Warsaw with Elder Garrett, but Elder Retallick and I bumped into Asad on the street near our place this week. So many reunions and they all remember - another answer to a prayer when I am feeling like I haven't made any impact. 

Zbyszek: Another former acquaintance I was able to get in contact with. He is doing about the same, right now we are waiting to see if he is ready to truly change. He is a super nice guy. While he was in Kraków recently he was at a milk bar (a cheap restaurant with traditional polish cuisine) and saw some sister missionaries. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is preparing people in little ways and that those sisters fulfilled their callings as examples. 

Luc and Maryana: Luc is from Congo and Maryana is from Ukraine. They have five kids and are working to get married, currently waiting on legal matters to be resolved. We visited their family yesterday with Sisters Kuchar and Woodward. Elder Retallick and I used our super rusty french - it was a mix of polish, english, and french to try to ensure everybody understood. They are in a tricky spot but the gospel has helped them a lot and their home is full of love. Luc was baptized in Congo when he was 11 but never went to church much after that. A few months ago he decided that he needed to return, told Maryana and then they came to church. Maryana was skeptical at first but after reading the Book of Mormon believes this is the true church. They travel over an hour with their five kids on public transport to come to church each week! 

Dawid: Elder Blom and I met with Dawid when I was in Warsaw last and now we are back in touch. Last year we were meeting in May and when we invited him to be baptized he mentioned a date in April coming to mind (we weren't convinced seeing it was about a year away). Now, nearly a year later, we invited him to be baptized April 25, he paused and said that April 2011 was the day of his spiritual rebirth and he accepted the date. It's exciting. He is super busy but really with it. My favorite parts of meeting with investigators are often the prayers. This past week Dawid prayed, "Thank you for this elders who are greatly fulfilling their missions." I have been worrying about if he understands everything and is ready to make this step but then when I remember moments like that I remember that it is all about the Spirit and having the simple desire to follow Christ, giving up our will for Heavenly Father's. 

I love Elder Retallick. I also love Elders Burdick and Weggersen (currently zone leaders in Katowice so they call in every night). They all helped me get through this week by building me up and being true friends. I am lucky. 

We have zone conference this week I am super excited! 

Love,

Starszy Kimball

What is to be done?

This past week I have thought a lot about what I am presenting to people on the street. With travel and busy schedules we weren't able to meet with many people this week so spent a good chunk of time out on the streets finding. Elder Retallick and I were able to have some meaningful conversations. There was one night that we had two conversations each time with a younger guy where we were able to be natural, funny, bold, and speak from the heart. It was fulfilling.

Joseph Smith's story and the restoration have never been at the root of my beliefs. Of course I assert the happenings to be true but I never focused on the story itself. My conviction of the validity of Joseph Smith's claims always came from the fruits of the restoration, for example the Book of Mormon or temple blessings that allow families to be sealed, connected forever. These truths resonated in my heart and are proof of the restoration but this past week I found a new conviction of Joseph's story. I was able to relate to a particular part as he describes the struggle and confusion to find what is true and right when so many offer a different explanation:

 10 In the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?

 11 While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

 12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.

 13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to “ask of God,” concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

Joseph Smith History - The Pearl of Great Price

The Europe Area of the church has a plan to help encourage members to invite friends to meet with missionaries as well as increase church attendance. The branch president, President Pogorzelski, invited Elder Retallick and I over to meet with a colleague from his studies. We were able to teach and discuss our message with Marcin. It was a lot of answering questions and was all over the place. So often we, and I being a culprit, want to have every question answered, every doubt subsided, and every worry calmed. At the end of the lesson I shared that I doubted Marcin would receive a clear answer about what we shared, I (the supposed teacher) was confused so how could he not be too? This past week I had a lot of conversations that have turned into debates about doctrine - something I have been able to avoid for the most part on my mission because it is not my style. Each time I left feeling unsatisfied and unpeaceful. The real aim is to follow the example of Joseph Smith to find out for ourselves by praying and relying on Christ. For me I have had powerful answers to specific questions but a lot of the time I have a wave of peace that allows all the knit-picking to evaporate. I remember that Heavenly Father is perfect, that my understanding is not. His love and guiding warmth calm my troubles. I know that, like Joseph Smith, I cannot rely on what I know of myself or what others tell my because it is all too confusing. Instead I must turn to God to find for myself if He is there and what He wants for me.

I know that it can be hard to trust truth obtained by our spiritual avenues but in reality they are the most reliable. If we rely on our mental capacity to understand this intellectually shouldn't the same be true for the spiritual world? Our feelings, our hearts have meaningful pointers, warning signs, and encouragements to lead us to our best self. 

Yesterday in church was a great example of that. Warsaw I (the branch I am in now) has a special spirit. Especially as the sun shines through the heavenward windows and we sing praises in polish. I am blessed with a love, the love that enters my heart is a major guiding force - I trust it more than my logic because it is more reliable (as I look back on experience). Elder Retallick and I taught the sunday school lesson in the recent convert/ investigator class. It was about the life of Christ - by my feelings, the atmosphere my faith was strengthened. 

My heart is back in Warsaw I and we have a lot of good things planned for this week so I am excited to get to and report a lot of good in a week's time. 

Pozdrawiam,

Starszy Kimball

Struggling with self

My parents have been asking about the responsibilities with being an assistant. For the most part we spend our time doing standard missionary work. We have occasional meetings with President Edgren to discuss changes to make and future trainings/ conferences. We go on exchanges with zone leaders and talk to them each night to make sure everybody got home safe and have a general check up of how everybody is doing. We record numbers and fill out weekly and monthly reports. Our main objective is to be examples and inspire others. There are some pros and cons, for example we get to visit different cities and districts often, so we get to know all of the missionaries, but it also means that we don't have our own district. I am enjoying it and learning a lot about leadership - I am excited to share with others what I have learned but also confronting some inner rebellious issues I have with leadership. 

For a lot of my mission I feel like I am struggling with myself in my mind. I'm constantly trying to find balance whilst thinking and going over ideas in my head. I strive to be humble in accepting new ideas but want to stay grounded in truth. Elder Retallick had a talk from Elder Perry, one that he gave at BYU in 1990. There was a fragment that spoke to me:

"Everyone can find within himself or herself inward attitudes of mind and outward habits of behavior that are contrary to their own ideals. Struggle with oneself could also be called self-discipline. Through struggle we become stronger. By ceasing to struggle, we grow weaker. So long as we are dissatisfied and do not know what we really want, we shall probably do plenty of foolish things. Self-knowledge and struggle with oneself go hand in hand."

I received peace to know that I being uncertain about things, even about ourselves is not only okay but good. 

This week was full of highlights.

I met Łukasz on a whiteboard my first week back in Warsaw. We met with him and had a wonderful meeting. He is excited to read and meet more, when we mentioned that we would be talking about God's plan next time he said "I can't wait!" He is sincere and knows a lot about different religions, piecing together truth as he finds it to create a set of beliefs. 

I met with Dawid last summer when I was with Elder Blom. We have had little, shallow contact since then but we were able to meet this past week. His life is frankly really tough right now. We talked about feeling God's love and he was grateful to "have his eyes opened to truth that he once knew but had forgotten." I have been praying to be an answer to somebody's prayers and I felt that. At the end of the lesson Dawid said that he knew he had been difficult to keep in contact with but thanked me for not forgetting about him. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my mission. He too is excited to meet again this week.

Here is Warsaw there was a mini-MTC for the young adults of the church. Dawid and Patryk came down from Gdańsk. Cindy Call from Wrocław was also there. It was a fun reunion and powerful to see the future of the church in Poland gather together. I love the people I have had the privilege of building relationships. 

Yesterday in church President Pogorzelski asked the new missionaries to bear their testimonies, it was encouraging to see so many familiar smiling faces - it's nice to be remembered and be back in Warsaw. 

Life is simply going well right now, I feel stronger and more confident with things. Still struggling with myself but feeling less stressed about it.

Pozdrawiam,

Starszy Kimball

p.s. Here is a longer quotation from Elder Perry's talk at BYU 1990

Everyone can find within himself or herself inward attitudes of mind and outward habits of behavior that are contrary to their own ideals. Struggle with oneself could also be called self-discipline. Through struggle we become stronger. By ceasing to struggle, we grow weaker. So long as we are dissatisfied and do not know what we really want, we shall probably do plenty of foolish things. Self-knowledge and struggle with oneself go hand in hand.

Organize your struggles. Choose with what you will struggle. Persistence will do what cannot be achieved by force—persistence is the twin sister of excellence. Do not be afraid of struggle. Remember that what is a present struggle is a key to future happiness. Never stop to regret failures or to excuse them. Paul encouraged us to forget our failures and move on when he told the Philippians, “This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before” (Philippians 3: 13).

President Spencer W. Kimball has said that life gives to all a choice.

We can satisfy ourselves with mediocrity. We can be common, ordinary, dull, colorless, or we can so channel our lives to be clean, vibrant, progressive, colorful, and rich. [TSWK, p. 161]

My prayer for all of us here tonight is that with this life of choices we may realize who we are and the potential we have, that we may start today disciplining ourselves to reach for higher goals, to study, to learn, to grow, to determine the course we want to follow as we go through the opportunities of this great mortal experience. We must catch the vision of who we really are, for “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18). The Lord will truly bless us mightily with his spirit if we only do our part and utilize the talents and opportunities he has given us, setting our direction on a course that will lead us back to his presence.

Seeking Direction

A lot of last transfer involved seeking direction and trying to figure out Heavenly Father's will. It took time and a ton of stumbles before I figured things out but I'm glad that I received so much information. 

Well it's been a while since I've had a good emailing session or at least it feels like it so I would like to catch you up on things. 

Last transfer was hard, I ran into some depression and it was the most challenging time of my mission. That being said, I learned many many lessons. Often missionaries say that their hardest times were also their favorite - so far that hasn't been true on my mission, but this past transfer fits that description. As dysfunctional and challenging as my life was - I love that time - sure I fantasize it looking back, but even in the moment there were some of my favorite memories. I put my whole heart into Gdańsk and I love the people there - it ripped me leaving that city. As hard as it was to leave, I feel satisfied and fulfilled with my four months. I am confident that I received what Heavenly Father had in store for me. 

Now I am back in Warsaw. Leaving Warsaw to Gdańsk was difficult but I didn't have the same peace about my work. Being back has been a wonderful, sitting in church yesterday felt so natural. I have received some of the most specific guidance concerning the people to whom I ought to reach out. Often in missionary work we are focused on finding and meeting new people but coming back to Warsaw I have the opportunity to reconnect with those I worked with before. Now I have learned many lessons and many of these people have been on my mind for a while, now with a fresh view I look forward to meeting and talking with them. 

Working with Elder Retallick has been a real pleasure, it's a change from training to working with somebody from my MTC group. It's a different experience with new dynamics, especially with our responsibilities. I think the biggest hurdle I'm trying to hop over is understanding the role of leaders - there is a lot I don't understand and my pride makes it difficult for me to be a follower. I have started to learn more about the truth behind principles and I look forward to comprehending more fully the purpose of leadership. 

Life does not seem real right now. Maybe because I feel so old in the mission now, maybe because I'm back in Warsaw but things have changed so much, maybe because of the change in my day to day missionary life. I don't feel bad but it's a change of scenery for sure  and I am back to taking things a day at a time. 

I'm not sure if there was anything super cultural or cool this past week. On Monday night we gathered with all of the missionaries preparing to depart and we shared our testimonies, beliefs, experiences. At the end Patrycja, a member currently staying at the mission home who just received her mission call to the London visitors center, shared some reflections and feelings. She sweetly thanked the missionaries for all we do on behalf of the small but mighty membership here in Poland. She let us know how we are viewed and how important our examples are. The Spirit was strong and I felt the confirmation of her words as I thought back to those I have worked with and labored to help. Last night we met a man at his front gate who said that he has changed enough and doesn't need to anymore. I will share my response: Our potential is far greater! What we are able to offer others is great, a big part of that is our example, we need to continue to change to reach what we are capable of. We can't let the colossal list of flaws we draw up halt us, but we can regularly strive to perfect ourselves with hope as we rely on others, especially our Savior.

I love you all,

Starszy Kiimball