Perfectionism.
Missions are hard. Perfectionism is a tactic of the adversary. Peace and clarity are in reach but we must actively seek them.
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To put things simply I have faced some discouragement this past week. A common weakness I have met time and time again is self-critism. During these times I feel overloaded, inadequate, confused. Negative perfectionism is destructive and nevers stops amazing me in the ways it manifests itself. Another common theme I drone on about is time as the enemy.
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In life, and I will say especially as a missionary, there are a lot of expectations. There are a lot of guidlines, a lot of advice, and different ideals. With so many expectations from outside sources it is easy to feel the pressure, things can become forced and motives become blurry. Then Satan plants thoughts of self doubt and things go downhill. There are some truths and lessons I have learned this past week:
1. Take the time needed to get yourself into a good place. There are too many to-do's on our lists and too many opportunities that we pass up because we try to push through when we cannot. Trying to execute all that we have to do when we are not in the state to do it is not the answer. Ever since President Uchtdorf came I have been striving to be the "Captain of my time" but understanding what that really means is taking time. It is important and worthwhile to spend the time to take care of ourselves so that we can more quickly be back to helping others.
2. Again, life is full of this next issue but as a missionary it's much clearer to me. With so many expectations and ideals going around a clear vision of our goal can be cloudy. Life, behavior, actions can become forced - sincerity and identity are lost. It is so important in life and in missionary work to be natural. We need to trust that Heavenly Father is leading us to have experiences, weaknesses, strengths, and talents that will help us fulfill the specific role ahead. Desires, what we do, and who we are should all come from the heart.
3. Here is a major one! Don't find contradictions in sources of truth. There are seeming contradictions at times, for example the scriptures teach us to work with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength but also intrsucts us not to run faster than we have strength. In Alma's own ministry as a missionary (a prophet from the Book of Mormon) is tells of times he took Amulek home to rest and other times where Alma saw the work ahead and was so excited he could not think of rest. We have scriptures, friends, revelation - so many sources of truth and answers all around us. At times it can seem confusing, like maybe we are getting mixed signals. Heavenly Father is constant and full of light - depending on circumstance, person, and Heavenly Father's vision for each of us different principles of truth will affect us at different times. The quality of balance is needed here. (Balance seems to be the theme of my mission so far or at least the journey in finding how to achieve balance)
4. We need to rely on others. Communication is a healing balm to the open sores of anxiety and worry. Our experiences are surprisingly similar in this mortal path we endure along. I am so grateful to see how relying on others, even those I wouldn't have thought I would but thanks to the mission I have, has helped me. As we talk and share with one another we gain personal assitance. We are able to air problems and confide in friends our hardships. We can seek and attain wise council and hear the experiences of those that go through the same things as us. The secret to success if not going forward alone.
5. This leads to the next point, relying on Christ. Don't forget God's true nature. I most frequently do this when I have a negative self image. It's funny how we can feel unworthy, scared, and a lack of desire to talk with our Heavenly Father. One of my favorite questions to ask people is what they think Christ's perception of them is when they sin or mess up. They often think about it and rarely do they give the answer that my experience seems to point to. When we think of Christ we think of light, mercy, grace, and love. As I said God is constant so these attributes never falter. I know that Heavenly Father will never give us condemning revelation or answers - of course correction and inspiration to improve and better live up to our potential but feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness will never come from our Loving Parent.
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Heavenly Father truly is the potter and he is giving us all that we need to become the best version of ourselves. Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations or even simply we set expectations for what some say is perfection even when it doesn't agree with our hearts. I know that following our hearts doesn't mean doing what feels easiest, most pleasurable, or most convenient but it is the way we can tap into our purest, most Chrislike selves. Christ is an Enabler. I hope to devote sufficient time and resouraces to accomplish the Lord's vision for me focusing on correct priorities and relying on those around me, especially My Redeemer.
This week we had a ton of miracles!
We met Nikodem, a young guy who recently graduated from school and is now working in gdańsk, on a white board New Year's Day and met with him on Saturday. He is genuine, faithful, and searching. We had a terrific lesson and he is excited to read of the Book of Mormon, I have a lot of hope.
Irek was baptized six years ago in Wrocław but hasn't been to church in a while. He recently, moved to Gdańsk and feels the need to return. He called us New Yaer's Day as well and he was in church yesterday, he is a great guy and his testimony has never faltered.
We had some cool conversations while finding this week. Yesterday Elder Jackson and I were invited into a home to share our message. Three moms were sitting around a table with tea and cake while their kids played in the other room, they had all been to church together and were now socializing, ready to talk with us. Basia, Gosia, and Agnieszka are all protestant, faithful followers of Christ. It was one of the most complete teaching opportunities where we taught, explained, testified and were extremely bold. They weren't interested in the end, mainly because of the Book of Mormon (another book of scipture other than the Bible), but it was a super cool experience. Gosia works for an organization that helps families and gave me a book about Christ in return for the Book of Mormon I left. We all believe in the same Good and the same Christ it was a blessing to see the truth we all shared and although there were some key principles they rejected to even pray about I feel like we had an impact - they surely had an impact on me.
Despite the struggles there is so much good and so many miracles all around. Happy 2015 everyone :)
Last Week's Letter - December 29, 2014 - The Brazen Serpent
For what ever reason I spaced today and almost forgot to write my weekly message. I would like to share a couple special experiences I had this past week (and no not the one where an old, little man chased me out of his hallway with a meter stick raising it to strike as I tried to finish my conversation with the lady next door to him...#tracting)
This past week was full. We were busy, traveling to a ton of different cities, having conferences, Christmas celebrations and so on. I felt a little stressed and that subtle cloud of darkness was hanging over me. I prayed for Christ's love. During the missionary Christmas zone conference we sang a ton of carols, in the middle of Angels We Have Heard On High I was overwhelmed with the Spirit. A simple and clear message was placed in my heart, Jesus Christ loves me and that love is enough to remember my worth. The history of the brazen serpent is shared and quoted in the scriptures and it has recently been a huge thought in my mind. Gaining the Savior's grace is so simple and easy but we are somtimes too prideful to busy to see what we need to do. I know that a simple prayer and an honest searching heart suffices to receive a confirmation of the specific love Jesus Christ has for you. A very special moment and conference.
I am very glad that I was able to skype with my family on Christmas - it was a lot of fun. My mom was joking about a list of "21 questions to ask your missionary this Christmas" and one of them was "what was the last miracle you had". Luckily, my family didn't put me on the spot where I had to answer but it got me thinking. The most recent one had been just early that Christmas day. I have been searching to feel real unity with other missionaries not only in being friends but unity in the work. While the district was taking a tram to the Shaws (the Senior couple here in Gdańsk who feed us all the time - they are so kind and loving!) I noticed Sister Wood striking up a conversation with a lady sitting behind her. It was simple but seeing her kind face, hearing the Polish sounds, seeing the buildings out the window behind gave me what I was looking for. There is a great bond between missionaries all around the world, and there is a special bond between us in that same country, and especially the same city. I am grateful for the missionaries here, they are an irreplacable support and I love being able to do missionary work with them. Life is good.
Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku! Remember that change is real, change involves making the same mistakes over and over again but not giving up. Believe in yourself but don't rely exclusively on yourself.
Starszy Kimball
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