Tu i Teraz

My favorite juice here in Poland, Tymbark*, writes a little message to the drinker on the bottom side of each cap. This week as Elder Jackson and I enjoyed an apple-peach I read the top "tu i teraz" ("here and now"). 

* Tymbark juice is so good! They have crazy flavors like cacuts, mango, lemon-lime, pear, banana... na prawdę polecam!

Allison Bryan gave a talk in church a couple of years ago that touched me. She discussed the value of doing what we can and the lack of worth our grand plans have when we don't accomplish them. I was reminded of this talk by a Liahona article I read about a teacher who received a potato from a student because she didn't have an apple. The message of the article was about how we need to give now: the potato, even if it's not what we want rather than waiting in the hopes of giving more later: the apple. Sister Bryan listed some examples in motherhood of how doing what we can is better than not doing what we wish we could, and in district meeting I adapted the idea to missionary work. For example, the simple compliment I give to my friend is better than the ornate, moving letter I don't find the time to write. The specifics will change for each of us but the template is useful - doing what we can now is better than the "seemingly better" alternative we cannot provide. We cannot wait to serve those around us until we have no problems, a ton of free time, or all of the resources we hope for - giving our potato is often all we need to put forth. 

Being more in the moment is needed. As a missionary we plan all the time - planning is vital - but it can be easy to focus on the future or past too much. Little things like taking pictures of a beautiful building - at times I tell myself that we can come back and look at it another day when we have more time but it never happens. Life is busy but I want to make mine less rushed and fuller.

I've been needing this little bottle cap message to remind me to change. I have wondered what I've been and I think it's safe to say that I've been depressed. We use the word differently, sometimes flipantly but for me depression comes when we feel confused and often indifferent. I have felt no vision or purpose for a time and it's toxic. This past week's zone conference helped me snap out of it.

This past week Elder Jackson and I went to Warsaw for his legal work and were able to meet up with Daniel, someone I met with a couple of times when I was in Żoliborz. He showed us the rynek and a view point in the old town. We had a good conversation about God, very natural with meaningful questions. At the end of our chat he seemed to be surprised how we, of different faiths and backgrounds, could help one another understand Heavenly Father better and understand the role we have in this mortal excursion. 

Later in the week, on Sturday we had zone conference, gathering with so many missionaries is the best! I was able to see so many beloved faces and remember the true friendships and bonds I have built. Feeling such love for others was significant in getting me out of my "depression" / "funk". From the conference I was inspired to be a greater spiritual influence and to pray for others more. The way I am praying is changing and having a prayer in my heart is more real - having Heavenly Father with me all the time. I have learned how to account for the day with God at the end of each day and I think that this can be a process. Sometimes it stresses me out to try and remember everything and have a productive prayer at the close of a day but prayer should also never be saved for later. In little ways I am starting to pray for others more often and throughout the days as they enter my mind and heart. For example, as I sat at the window of our train admiring Poland's countryside I remembered the loving family I met on my first train ride up north. I shared my gratitude as well as my hopes for this family - right as the emotions were relevant and with me. 

Gdańsk is my home, going back to Warsaw having been there for 8 months was a treat but getting back here felt so good - it's where I'm stationed right now and I love it. My district is full of the best missionaries! Things with the branch are good too, Dawid taught in the priesthood meeting yesterday and invited Kuba and Arek (the two who were at his baptism). His testimony at the end was powerful and honest, I sat listening admiring the large painting of Christ and John the baptist in the River Jordan (the one I grew up with on my bedside table) and felt so grateful to see Dawid grow and already influence others for good, a promise made to him during his confirmation. 

With love,

Starszy Kimball

"They became new creatures" Mosiah 27:26

Our week included a lot of knocking on doors and last night we ended on a sort of sour note with old people threatening to call the police and then a young dad scolding us for knocking when his kids were sleeping. I avoid contention as much as possible, I never like to try and argue my message upon anybody. This week there are a couple moments of contention when those we approached (whether on the street or in their home) had a bad reaction and I didn't like it. 

I've never really been surprised when people ignore us, I would have ignored me too before my mission. When people take offense at what we do though it can make me question what we are doing and how we are doing it. The truth is that "normally" we would be annoying and invasive, which is how many view missionaries. However, for those who are searching and have had their heart opened the experience is completly different. The Spirit changes everything. Recently, I have been able to notice the difference in my life when I accept the Spirit into my life and when I close myself off. When the Holy Ghost is present there is that "magical" change - any worries and strife, all of the questions from pondering and philosophizing are calmed. Our ways and God's ways really are different. We, as people, can come up with a lot of greatness but it will never match our Heavenly Father's power. Man's reasoning and understanding is base and can be so destructive if we let it blind us rather than let it bring us closer to God. 

The Spirit is what changes the situations we are in, it is what changes us. I am grateful for the personal power of the Spirit and what He does for me, communicating God's will and Christ's peace to my soul. We really become different people, "new creatures", when we have the Spirit with us. 

Confusion and worry is not of God so if you want to expel it from your life, pray. 

This past week was a lot better, I'm a little dead at the moment hence the lack of information or much depth in this message. To reiterate what I learned this past week - we need the Spirit to have ture, lasting peace - invite the Spirit by 1. learning of what Christ's role means 2. serving others 3. simple praying.

Starszy Kimball

Last week's post: Letting darkness in

The Atonement.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints our prime focus is Christ's Atonement. For us this is when Christ suffered in Gethsemane, suffered and died on the cross, and then rose again resuerrected on the third day. From experience I truly am convinced that Jesus Christ not only suffered for our sins and guilts but also for our pains, misunderstandings, frustrations - all of it. I believe in this so strongly because the help I have been given can only be given from one who personally knows and understands me in an intimate way nobody else understands. 

I wrote last week about the trials I've been having. At the beginning of this week I fell into, potentially the lowest, depression of my mission. I usually describe the influence of the adversary as: confusing, heavy, dark. This was all true, at times my mind felt explosive with no peace and particularly darkness seemed to be cast over me. There are real trials I faced and real issues that I need to overcome - that being said I learned an incredible lesson during district meeting this past week. 

We were all writing down what the Atonement means to us and as I thought about my current predicament I knew Christ's love however wasn't entering my heart, I learned that in order for the healing power of the Atonement to take effect we must accept it. Pride prevents us from relying on Christ and it is so destructive. Missions break us down, all missionaries here talk about the humbling process.

Jesus Christ does not condemn. Repentance isn't being punished for sins - this past week I learned about this principle in a new way. It's funny how when I felt down without self respect realizing my weaknesses was just what I needed. There was a clear moment when my conscience accepted that there were things I was doing that needed to be corrected and that is when I started to realize the freeing power of repenting - all enabled thanks to the Atonement. Sin weighs us down and we can be ignorant to it, when it seems that other forces are pushing us over and repentance lifts and frees. 

Truth is tricky to correctly and fully express but it comes through experience as our understanding expands. I am surprised how when I more deeply come to know truth the same words and explanations are used, even the same answers apply despite the personal and different situation of feelings and events. 

God really does love us because there are light filled miracles even in the midst of darkness. He provides a way to bring the light back into our lives. At times, when people ask certain questions ex. "Do you believe only Mormons will be saved?" I think about the narrow nature of the path back to our Heavenly Parents. Times when I struggle let me see Heavenly Father's infinite mercy, and thanks to Christ's grace I no longer worry about the justice system of the universe. We are in perfect hands.

 I feel blessed that throughout this dark week I've been motivated to work, not out of guilt or lingering expectations but a sincere desire to serve others. Now though I am more effective - I have a vision again with a purpose feeling a stewardship for the work and connecting with people.

We aren't working with any investigators but Patryk, Dawid and Irek are incredible. 

I wish I could express what I experienced better, deeper, more completely but luckily, I know understanding comes when we are personally close with our Savior.

Just so you all know I am doing well :) I am not magically out of the dark pit but I am trudging upwards. Happiness is a choice and I want to be more humble and accept help more fully in my life, especially from my Redeemer.

Starszy Kimball

The Potter's Clay

Perfectionism. Missions are hard. Perfectionism is a tactic of the adversary. Peace and clarity are in reach but we must actively seek them.

To put things simply I have faced some discouragement this past week. A common weakness I have met time and time again is self-critism. During these times I feel overloaded, inadequate, confused. Negative perfectionism is destructive and nevers stops amazing me in the ways it manifests itself. Another common theme I drone on about is time as the enemy.

In life, and I will say especially as a missionary, there are a lot of expectations. There are a lot of guidlines, a lot of advice, and different ideals. With so many expectations from outside sources it is easy to feel the pressure, things can become forced and motives become blurry. Then Satan plants thoughts of self doubt and things go downhill. There are some truths and lessons I have learned this past week: 1. Take the time needed to get yourself into a good place. There are too many to-do's on our lists and too many opportunities that we pass up because we try to push through when we cannot. Trying to execute all that we have to do when we are not in the state to do it is not the answer. Ever since President Uchtdorf came I have been striving to be the "Captain of my time" but understanding what that really means is taking time. It is important and worthwhile to spend the time to take care of ourselves so that we can more quickly be back to helping others. 2. Again, life is full of this next issue but as a missionary it's much clearer to me. With so many expectations and ideals going around a clear vision of our goal can be cloudy. Life, behavior, actions can become forced - sincerity and identity are lost. It is so important in life and in missionary work to be natural. We need to trust that Heavenly Father is leading us to have experiences, weaknesses, strengths, and talents that will help us fulfill the specific role ahead. Desires, what we do, and who we are should all come from the heart. 3. Here is a major one! Don't find contradictions in sources of truth. There are seeming contradictions at times, for example the scriptures teach us to work with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength but also intrsucts us not to run faster than we have strength. In Alma's own ministry as a missionary (a prophet from the Book of Mormon) is tells of times he took Amulek home to rest and other times where Alma saw the work ahead and was so excited he could not think of rest. We have scriptures, friends, revelation - so many sources of truth and answers all around us. At times it can seem confusing, like maybe we are getting mixed signals. Heavenly Father is constant and full of light - depending on circumstance, person, and Heavenly Father's vision for each of us different principles of truth will affect us at different times. The quality of balance is needed here. (Balance seems to be the theme of my mission so far or at least the journey in finding how to achieve balance) 4. We need to rely on others. Communication is a healing balm to the open sores of anxiety and worry. Our experiences are surprisingly similar in this mortal path we endure along. I am so grateful to see how relying on others, even those I wouldn't have thought I would but thanks to the mission I have, has helped me. As we talk and share with one another we gain personal assitance. We are able to air problems and confide in friends our hardships. We can seek and attain wise council and hear the experiences of those that go through the same things as us. The secret to success if not going forward alone. 5. This leads to the next point, relying on Christ. Don't forget God's true nature. I most frequently do this when I have a negative self image. It's funny how we can feel unworthy, scared, and a lack of desire to talk with our Heavenly Father. One of my favorite questions to ask people is what they think Christ's perception of them is when they sin or mess up. They often think about it and rarely do they give the answer that my experience seems to point to. When we think of Christ we think of light, mercy, grace, and love. As I said God is constant so these attributes never falter. I know that Heavenly Father will never give us condemning revelation or answers - of course correction and inspiration to improve and better live up to our potential but feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness will never come from our Loving Parent.

Heavenly Father truly is the potter and he is giving us all that we need to become the best version of ourselves. Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations or even simply we set expectations for what some say is perfection even when it doesn't agree with our hearts. I know that following our hearts doesn't mean doing what feels easiest, most pleasurable, or most convenient but it is the way we can tap into our purest, most Chrislike selves. Christ is an Enabler. I hope to devote sufficient time and resouraces to accomplish the Lord's vision for me focusing on correct priorities and relying on those around me, especially My Redeemer.

This week we had a ton of miracles!

We met Nikodem, a young guy who recently graduated from school and is now working in gdańsk, on a white board New Year's Day and met with him on Saturday. He is genuine, faithful, and searching. We had a terrific lesson and he is excited to read of the Book of Mormon, I have a lot of hope.

Irek was baptized six years ago in Wrocław but hasn't been to church in a while. He recently, moved to Gdańsk and feels the need to return. He called us New Yaer's Day as well and he was in church yesterday, he is a great guy and his testimony has never faltered.

We had some cool conversations while finding this week. Yesterday Elder Jackson and I were invited into a home to share our message. Three moms were sitting around a table with tea and cake while their kids played in the other room, they had all been to church together and were now socializing, ready to talk with us. Basia, Gosia, and Agnieszka are all protestant, faithful followers of Christ. It was one of the most complete teaching opportunities where we taught, explained, testified and were extremely bold. They weren't interested in the end, mainly because of the Book of Mormon (another book of scipture other than the Bible), but it was a super cool experience. Gosia works for an organization that helps families and gave me a book about Christ in return for the Book of Mormon I left. We all believe in the same Good and the same Christ it was a blessing to see the truth we all shared and although there were some key principles they rejected to even pray about I feel like we had an impact - they surely had an impact on me.

Despite the struggles there is so much good and so many miracles all around. Happy 2015 everyone :)

Starszy Kimball

Last Week's Letter - December 29, 2014 - The Brazen Serpent

For what ever reason I spaced today and almost forgot to write my weekly message. I would like to share a couple special experiences I had this past week (and no not the one where an old, little man chased me out of his hallway with a meter stick raising it to strike as I tried to finish my conversation with the lady next door to him...#tracting)

This past week was full. We were busy, traveling to a ton of different cities, having conferences, Christmas celebrations and so on. I felt a little stressed and that subtle cloud of darkness was hanging over me. I prayed for Christ's love. During the missionary Christmas zone conference we sang a ton of carols, in the middle of Angels We Have Heard On High I was overwhelmed with the Spirit. A simple and clear message was placed in my heart, Jesus Christ loves me and that love is enough to remember my worth. The history of the brazen serpent is shared and quoted in the scriptures and it has recently been a huge thought in my mind. Gaining the Savior's grace is so simple and easy but we are somtimes too prideful to busy to see what we need to do. I know that a simple prayer and an honest searching heart suffices to receive a confirmation of the specific love Jesus Christ has for you. A very special moment and conference.

I am very glad that I was able to skype with my family on Christmas - it was a lot of fun. My mom was joking about a list of "21 questions to ask your missionary this Christmas" and one of them was "what was the last miracle you had". Luckily, my family didn't put me on the spot where I had to answer but it got me thinking. The most recent one had been just early that Christmas day. I have been searching to feel real unity with other missionaries not only in being friends but unity in the work. While the district was taking a tram to the Shaws (the Senior couple here in Gdańsk who feed us all the time - they are so kind and loving!) I noticed Sister Wood striking up a conversation with a lady sitting behind her. It was simple but seeing her kind face, hearing the Polish sounds, seeing the buildings out the window behind gave me what I was looking for. There is a great bond between missionaries all around the world, and there is a special bond between us in that same country, and especially the same city. I am grateful for the missionaries here, they are an irreplacable support and I love being able to do missionary work with them. Life is good.

Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku! Remember that change is real, change involves making the same mistakes over and over again but not giving up. Believe in yourself but don't rely exclusively on yourself. 

Starszy Kimball